Days 14-21: What is Broken Has the Opportunity to Heal

Days 14-21:

I've contemplated whether or not I would post this. But, all superheroes have something that brings them to breaking. Superman's is kryptonite, Wonder Woman's is when her bracelets are linked by chains, Aquaman can only breathe out of water for an hour, Batman is mortal, and Daredevil can only use his sonar-like ability if there's no noise pollution. Well, Bionic Man also has a vulnerability that's been a challenge to overcome during this recovery. The lesson I've learned throughout is: What is broken has the opportunity to heal.

First, I'll start with the light-hearted part. The good news is, I'm upgraded to mashed foods and my face is waking up more and more each day. Since I cannot open my mouth completely, I also get to rock a bib anytime I eat and I'm learning more and more what it's like to feed small children. By the time I have a kid, I might finally be a pro at this whole feeding someone mashed foods thing. Since one side of my face is waking up faster than the other, when I smile, I really have to work at making it look human--which is quite fun to do. The upshot is, I've now gotten out of the house in public 3 times. But, every time I go out, people stare at the bruises. I'm sure they're just curious, but it's a bit weird. I now have more compassion for those who have physical disabilities or when people stare at a birthmark on someone's face, their lack of hair from alopecia, or any number of things. Thankfully, for me, the bruises are almost gone, but many don't have that luxury. People, stop staring-even if it's just curiosity-it's weird. So, here are some fun pictures of days 14-21:

Day 14: Back to eating mashed foods. Yeah, this is me just after my very first bite of mashed potatoes. Let's just say it got messy and leave this one with a picture. This one is worth a thousand words.

 Day 16: After eating some cottage cheese, I think I'm slowly getting the hang of eating soft foods again. (Post meal compared to Day 14's photo)

Now, for the superhero's vulnerability. While I've been recovering from what my surgeons have described as one of the most traumatic surgeries one can have and "the worst two weeks of your life" in reference to days 0 to 14, I've also been dealing with some emotional scars. You see, this superhero has also been overcoming a sexual assault that happened to me within the last year. I will not say names, give dates, or really share much that could identify the person. But, it's time to tell my story. I need my voice back. You see, while I've had my mouth banded shut and had difficulty speaking because of the physical healing process, I've also been dealing with the voicelessness that comes along with surviving a sexual assault.

Now, I'm a therapist, I know the right things to say. I'm also almost 6 feet tall. But, when this happens to you by someone who you care about and who is stronger and taller than you are, you don't know exactly what to do. You are frozen. I said "no". I told them I did not want to experience the way he made me feel. I did the right things. But, I was sexually assaulted. That night, he grabbed my hand, forced me to jack him off, said "now that you started, you have to finish" and he physically got on top of me and jacked off. I felt powerless. I still feel powerless. I felt voiceless. I still feel voiceless. I've had to block that person on Facebook because a mere status update, seeing them like something, or mention of that person's name brings flashbacks. I have daily anxiety. I have experienced difficulty trusting others. I have nightmares. I've been in therapy for months. I'm making progress. I will also have to face this person again.

Yes, I have reported it to the police and the person confessed in text messages, but I have not pursued a conviction. Please don't ask my reasons, but I wanted it in the record in case it ever happened again, but I do not want to destroy this person's life. Needless to say, when someone you trust does this, it leaves you feeling very powerless and voiceless. Enough of that for now. I can't discuss the details right now since it's a very complicated situation and difficult for me, but here's what I'm learning from literally being voiceless for 2 weeks while my mouth was banded shut and from feeling voiceless during this emotional process of healing: You cannot heal something that is not broken. What is broken has the opportunity to heal.

While my surgeons warned me ahead of time that the first two weeks of recovery would be the worst two weeks of my life because of the extensive nature of my surgery, they also did not anticipate the complications I would have--making it that much more intense. Add that I was literally voiceless and emotionally voiceless, and, needless to say, some days, I cried nearly the entire day. I still cry thinking about having to face this person again.

But, just ask my face what brokenness is like. They literally broke my entire face from the nose down, cut my top jaw off, and cut my bottom jaw apart, my face will not always be broken. Yes, I'm still recovering and it's a long process. Yes, I still have a lot of nerve damage that has to recover. Yes, I still have pain and swelling. Yes, I had many complications and could have died several times. But, being broken in more places than expected, running into complications, and having my voice taken away does not mean I will always be voiceless. I will not always be broken. Brokenness also leads to healing.

Does brokenness hurt? Beyond words. But, every time I am reminded of the pain and swelling in my face or have a nightmare or flashback, that serves as one more reminder that I survived. It proves I will survive, I will heal, and I will be stronger for it. If you treat it and allow the process of healing to happen, what is broken will heal. Healing may be slow at times and I'm not there yet, but what is broken has the opportunity to heal. Don't believe me? Ask my face.

Signed,

The Bionic Man
(This post isn't for pity points, I do not want to disclose details, and please do not try and be a detective for me. But, after feeling voiceless for so long, I needed to reclaim my voice.)