Regaining
my voice, speaking up, and fighting for my strength are all I have
left. And, in doing those things, I regain strength, I become more
whole, and, just like the city Superman saves, I'm awakening to new
healing and hope.
Just like there's a point in every superhero movie where the people ignore or do not hear the pleas of the superheroes trying to save them, there is also a part of the movie where the people hear, recognize, and give more voice to the superhero. With Superman, the people ignore or don't hear the warnings and they don't hear his voice. Because they don't hear him, they are caught by the villain's traps, Superman frees them after an intense battle scene, and the people wake to the reality of being saved. You can put just about any superhero's name in there and it's a common theme. The same is true for this Bionic Man. Days 22-28 have been about regaining my voice and slowly waking up to more healing. Ironically, it all started before surgery and I've struggled to regain my voice ever since.
While it's much more complex than one text, part of my healing came when I confronted the guy who sexually assaulted me. Let me be clear, if you've been sexually assaulted, I
do not recommend you confront your assailant unless you have to do so. Much more often than not, you will not even get a small bit of acknowledgement that what they did was wrong. No matter their reply, you will need support. In my case, I got what most sexual assault survivors never get, I got an apology. I also got what nearly all sexual assault survivors get, him peppering me with reasons someone or something else was to blame, only a partial apology, and him blaming me (another reason I
do not recommend you confront your assailant-I knew victim blame is such a huge part of sexual assault and anticipated that, but it still hurt and set me back quite a bit). I only reveal a teeny, tiny part of the conversation right here for a reason. I'll let you read the entire conversation for yourself at the end of this post if you'd like, but I want to keep my focus on the healing part of my journey: I've found a way to regain my own voice. While it was only 8 partial or full lines out of a whole conversation
(that you can read at the end of this post if you would like to), no matter how watered down the rest of it was, for a brief moment he gave voice to the wrong he caused. For a moment, my voice was heard and acknowledged by the guy who assaulted me.
Before I get into all of the rest of that conversation, the more lighthearted part of my physical healing and regaining my voice.
This week has been about regaining things I lost when I had surgery. I'm reawakening to certain things. Let me just begin by saying, I cannot help but laugh at myself for most of these things. You don't realize how many things in life become second nature until you're relearning them after a short break. It can be quite awkward. First, as you know, the very strong bands that literally held my jaws completely shut were removed and I've been relearning to speak. After two weeks without talking and with a new mouth (since one part of my jaw was moved as much as 3/4 of an inch (18-19mm)), regaining my physical voice has been incredibly awkward. This makes conversations... um... interesting. Right now, "f", "s", "sh", "st", (pretty much anything with an "s"), and several other letter combinations are very difficult to pronounce.
You can imagine how mispronouncing "f" and "s" sounds in certain words quickly turn into what sounds like me cursing at random. Also, when your last name has an "s" in it, for some reason, your doctor's receptionist can no longer understand you. I talked to the doctor's office once in the last week where I had to repeat my last name 3 times and spell it several more times before she just asked for my date of birth and found me that way. How she understood the "fifteen" and "six" just fine, but couldn't get my last name, I'll never know. I got off the phone and busted up laughing when I started thinking about that. "You understood my date of birth which is full of f's and s's, but couldn't get my last name which has one lonely 's' in it." How do you not laugh?
I busted up laughing... "You understood my date of birth which is full of f's and s's, but couldn't get my last name which has one lonely 's' in it." How do you not laugh?
Another interesting thing, when you haven't driven for 3+ weeks, your first time behind the wheel is a little awkward. While it only took a split second to figure these things out and certainly didn't interfere with my driving, simply having to think about these things that used to be second nature was a bit odd. Here are some of my first thoughts as I got into my car.
- "I'm turning the radio up, but it won't turn on" (you have to push the volume button in to turn it on and off)
- "Oh man, which lever is my turning signal, which controls my brights and dashboard read-outs, and which controls my wipers?" (for the record, the left one controls my turning signal, brights, and dashboard read-outs and the right one controls my wipers)
- "Okay, one of these buttons makes my inside lighting in my car change colors and the other is my rear defrost. Which is which?" (for the record, they're right next to each other and a light icon looks way too much like what could be interpreted as a defrost icon)
- And, my favorite "Holy crap my butt is getting hot!" Apparently, instead of either changing the color of the interior lights or hitting defrost, I hit another button, in a similar location:the seat warmer.
"Holy crap my butt is getting hot!"
Apparently, instead of either changing the color of the interior lights or hitting defrost, I hit another button, in a similar location: the seat warmer.
Don't worry, I got it all sorted and I'm happy to report, I was fine on the roads and I have been back out several times since without any of those blunders.
Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, my modeling shoot. I must say, each week, I'm noticing more and more feeling come back, less and less swelling, and I even managed a toothless smile this week!
First, the expressionless look. The great news is the bruising is completely gone and there's less and less swelling!!! In less great news, the swelling keeps going down, but much less so in my upper cheeks-between my nose and jawline. Basically, the only part of my face from the eyes down (other than my nose) that I can't grow facial hair to hide it. Ah well, progress is progress, right? (If you're wondering what I'm talking about, look to the left side of my nose in this picture where the shadowing allows you to see it, you can also see it in the side profile below):
Now, for the great reveal! I CAN SMILE AGAIN (Well, when I don't show my teeth). Ignore the glasses and messy hair. Hey, I'm recovering from surgery, I don't always feel like doing my hair, putting in contacts or taking my glasses off for a picture.
I took one with my teeth as well-yeah, there's still some progress to be made on that front.
Another fun part of this is shaving is always an adventure. For some reason, when you still have numb places you can't feel on your face and have a razor against your skin, you're a little more careful than normal. As an added bonus, I'm still trying to figure out how to trim my facial hair with the new profile and I haven't had a haircut in far too long because I'm afraid of the barber touching my still healing face. But, hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. Minus the swollen upper cheeks mentioned above (if you're still wondering, that's the part in the picture below that's a little swollen halfway between my eyes and lips-the most noticeable part is almost level with, but slightly above the tip of my nose), I'm noticing a new side profile emerge. I'm still in the process of relearning to shape and trim my facial hair. While I notice some changes and I don't think I look much different, a lot of people tell me I look very different. I suppose it's amazing what repairing some congenital jaw defects can do. And, now, for the side profile (a first this week).
Okay, now for the emotional part.
Emotions are a tricky thing. They take much longer to heal than the body-or, at least it seems that way. While my doctor says it will be 3 months before my bones are through the first phase of healing and he says it will be a full year before my face is fully healed, there's something satisfying about looking at pictures and seeing the massive changes in a few weeks. I can actually see in short time what some repairs to my jaws has done to my side profile. Emotions don't quite work that way. They're invisible. So, it's harder to track their progress. So, to give some evidence and voice to them, I'm going to share my story.
It is incredibly embarrassing to talk about what happened, but I'm so grateful for the outpouring of support. After I shared that I was sexually assaulted in my last post, I heard from so many of my friends who experienced sexual assault, too. While I'm a therapist and I know the statistics and I have personally counseled many survivors of sexual assault, it's different when it's you and people you know. Thank you to everyone who shared your stories! It really hit home when statistics became family members, friends, and people I love. It is incredibly sad to me to know how common this is. It's also, in a twisted way, nice to know I'm not alone. To all of my brave friends and family, I'm so beyond sorry this also happened to you, too. I'm also so thankful to you for hearing me and helping me remember: I am not alone.
For some background, nobody is perfect. Surprise. I'm sure you didn't know that. But, people are especially not at their greatest
after being sexually assaulted. After what happened, I did not communicate clearly and, at times, reacted out of the pain-mostly retreating, acting like someone else, or doing anything to ignore or numb the pain. That doesn't lead to great things between two people. So, in the messages (if you read them), I reference numerous apologies on my part. Yet, I still had not had a single apology from him for how he treated me and assaulted me. The reality is, nobody is perfect, but I never sexually assaulted him. Yet, I apologized for my part while he never did until confronted directly. The reality is, I said "no" in more ways than one. For the first time in my entire life, I felt this was bad enough that I filed a police report which was forwarded to his local police. Because of the overwhelming evidence, he was even brought in for the first round of questioning. While I haven't pursued a conviction, I'm putting the blame back where it belongs. I'm no longer holding someone else's secret for him. I'm speaking up to regain my voice. To be heard. To regain my power that he stole that night.
The night I was sexually assaulted, there was consensual non-penetrative activity once. Then, the guy got out of the bed, sat in a chair in the corner, and refused to look at me or speak to me. He literally did not speak a word to me or make any eye contact until, after quite some time, he climbed back into the bed. I told him "I don't want to do that again. I don't ever want to feel that way again". The first eye contact he made with me after the consensual activity was when he looked me straight in the eyes, took my hand, made me touch him sexually, do a sexual act, and then, he said the first words since the first time "Now that you've started, you have to finish", and climbed on top of me.
I blamed myself for a long time for not forcing him off of me. But, in the moment, it's so different than what you know. When this happens, your fight, flight, freeze instinct overrides your brain's ability to think things through. Unfortunately for me, the instinct that kicked in was freeze. This was someone I trusted. I was in shock. My body and mind were stuck and couldn't do what I knew I needed to do. This guy is taller and stronger than I am and he was on top of me. But, even worse, because of my freeze instincts, I was literally petrified. He finished what he was doing while I remained unable to figure out how I should react. I was helpless, trapped, and voiceless. Those emotions have filled me.
Finally, some time ago, I confronted the guy by email. In typical perpetrator fashion, he skirted the issue, and, then, I refused to let it go. That's when the texts at the end of this post were exchanged.
If you choose to read them, yes,
every time he apologizes, he has to add how this was somehow my fault
or something else's fault-I smiled the first time when it was
consensual which somehow gave him permission to do whatever he wanted the second time; I just made him into the bad guy which of course, couldn't be true or somehow excuses him to do whatever he wants; he just misread the situation
because "I don't want to do that" and "no" aren't clear enough; I should
have asked for an apology before those messages; sadly, he goes on and on. Every single time he apologizes, he tries to project that guilt by blaming me or something else. I choose not to focus on
the victim blaming he uses. As a therapist, I expected as much.
Instead, I choose to acknowledge the part of him that says, "What I did
was wrong". I hope he
holds that guilt deep within his heart and that it leads to change. In the end, I can only focus on regaining my own voice, on my own
healing. So, I refuse to give the victim blaming a voice in my heart and mind. I choose to give the acknowledgement of wrong the voice that overcomes.
By
sharing my story of my physical and emotional healing, I regain my
voice day-by-day. By posting the full conversation below, I bring a painful experience 100% into the Light, where it can heal. As I regain my voice and bring the hurt out of the darkness and shadows into the Light, healing happens. By no longer holding his secret as my
own, by letting go of the shame and placing it directly where it belongs-with him, I'm healing. Just
as it was with my bones in my face, I'm finding the same to be true with
my emotions: healing is sometimes painful and scary, but it happens as you use your voice. Regaining my voice, speaking
up, and fighting for my strength are all I have left. And, in doing
those things, I
regain strength, I become more whole, and, just like the city Superman
saves, I'm awakening to new healing and hope.
Signed,
The Bionic Man
**All identifying information has been removed from the following texts for all of the reasons I outlined in my last post. As I also said in the last post, posting this is for my healing and to regain my voice. Please do not try to be a detective and figure this all out and please do not ask my reasons for protecting the person who did this. But, if you're so inclined, here are the texts that were exchanged.
